Catching Up

I talked to an old friend last night. It was wonderful to catch up. It's been maybe two years since our last communication, and it was clearly long overdue. There are definitely some interesting dynamics in our relationship that I'm still working through, some emotional scars, some relational hiccups.

I hate to admit it, but there seems to be always an air of skepticism in me when we talk. I'm never quite sure what to think about the things he says. I'm always curious about what's behind his words, what's going on in his brain as he says the things he says. I've always acknowledged that these suspicions may very well be nothing more than some sort of strange paranoia, but they are not without reason. I have felt somewhat manipulated by him in the past, and it really hurt.

Last night we talked a lot about my recent and unfortunate adventures in ministry - namely, my being jettisoned from my position at Hope Chapel. It was ultimately a very encouraging conversation. My friend, and my old pastor, were both very supportive and expressed a great deal of genuine concern that was greatly appreciated. My pastor related in a letter how he had experienced similar things in his years of experience in ministry, and that as ministers we are in good company with those who have gone through similar rejections. That was encouraging. Even Jesus, the perfect minister, was rejected, thrown out of synagogues, accused falsely, etc. Thus, what might appear to be a severe setback, may actually be a part of God's plan, one of the many mysterious ways that the Lord deals with us, matures us and strengthens our faith. But then...

Then came the suspicion again. My friend made a strong plea, sincere as I believe it was, for me to come to NY for a "sabbatical." A time for me to simply get away and seek the Lord and to do some ministry at his church, all in an environment where I could be free. Though this actually does sound wonderful to me, there are several things that are standing in the way of this becoming a reality.

He said several times that He felt that "the Lord would be in it." I've heard similar words before. Basically it means that he feels that the Lord has spoken to him about this, and thus the truth of it (from his perspective) is ironclad. Placing spiritual implications on "suggestions" usually heightens these "suggestions" to a prophetic level. This means that if I fail to act on this "suggestion," then it is basically equivalent to me being disobedient to "the word of the Lord." Why is this a problem? Because God didn't speak this to me. My friend feels that God spoke to him about something that I should do. He sincerely asked me to pray about it. I am. And I will continue to do so. But if I happen to come down on the side of not going to New York (which frankly seems more likely), then I run the risk of getting a sort of spiritual cold shoulder from my friend. This has happened before as well. He feels something from the Lord about what I should do. I don't do it. He feels like I "missed the Lord," and thus all our future conversations are tainted with a sense of disappointment from him.

I say all this, knowing that my friend is being 100% sincere. He is concerned for me. He wants God's best for me and I feel nothing but appreciation for it. But several years ago God dealt with me. I had harbored an unwholesome need for approval from this friend, and from this pastor. I NEEDED them to see me and feel like I was smack dab in the center of God's will. Then God dealt with me, much the same way as he dealt with Peter in John 21. Peter gets upset about what the Lord says to John, and Jesus basically says, "Don't worry about John, Peter. You follow me. Let me worry about John." So I've come to that place. I'm just going to follow Jesus. I am always open to suggestions, but I can't follow suggestions - I have to follow the Lord.

You know, there are a lot of sheep in flock, who only ever follow the tail in front of them. It's been said that if one sheep walks off the edge of a cliff, there's a good chance the whole flock will follow him over. But then there are those few who, instead of following the tail in front of them, listen instead for the Shepherd's voice. I want to be one of those few. There's a lot of sheep to follow. And sometimes you've got to listen real hard to hear the Shepherd's voice over all the bleating. But it's worth it, because the Shepherd will never lead you astray...